I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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