Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
