Kiss
Puke
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize