some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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