I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
