There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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