i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
