you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
