I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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