It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
