It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
