At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
