My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
