Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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