Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
