how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize