Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
