he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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