just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
