My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
