i just wanna soil my oats bro
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
