I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
