I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize