hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Randomize
