and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize