just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
