I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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