Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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