I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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