Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
