did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
