Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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