1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
