mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
