Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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