If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
