Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize