worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
