I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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