He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
