just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
