does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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