You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
