I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
