a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It's just like the Real World with babies
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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