You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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