Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
