I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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