Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
