I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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