a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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