me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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