just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
