i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
