i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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