Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
