Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
