he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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