we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
