We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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