can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
