I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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