I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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